The Parts & the Path
Not too long ago, I was emerging from a cocoon, a cocoon of my own design. In fact it was all about design—interior design. But somewhere in the pit of my stomach, in the pit of my soul, a flower, one that had always been there really, it began to bloom. To walk on the path, to become conscious, is to acknowledge when a deep longing is summoning you. Where do you feel a fire, a rumble, a desire that you've forgotten about? (The answer is often the first thing that pops into your head). And now that you’ve heard the answer, what will you do about it? When I heard my answer—to become a therapist—I hemmed and hawed. And all kinds of resistance arose inside me. I danced around my answer, moving closer and closer towards the center of that desire. This is the mid-life transformation that have written about before. It had taken nearly a year for me to arrive at the threshold of yes, and to accept the answer my heart was offering. Looking back, it feels like this happened so quickly; once I agreed to the call, everything fell into place rather auspiciously. But what I also know to be true is that before I accepted my hero’s journey call, I went through an very difficult, at times excruciating, twelve months of feeling lost, of asking, questioning, of reading, reaching, praying, walking, list-making, stock-taking. Even though it coincided more or less with the pandemic shut down, the stakes I was playing for were much bigger because the search I had undertaken was existential; the outcome would alter the rest the of my life.
“When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you achieve it” The Alchemist- Paulo Cohelo
The tag line of my blog is,where's your heart at?. It’s a phrase meant to inspire curiosity about your inner state: emotionally, mentally, and somatically where are you in this present moment? How is your internal experience right now? Are you feeling connected, in the flow, aligned? Are you saying yes to the things that light you up and inspire joy—the areas that feed you? Are you saying no to the experiences, people, and events that feel burdensome, hurt your heart, keep you feeling small, stuck, and/or out of touch with your power? Checking in with your heart is a good practice to counter balance all the thinking we do these days.
I have been making an effort to blog more consistently this summer. And I’ve got it in my head that I want to write a book on dreaming. I have been sitting down at 4pm every day and writing. Courting the muse is like getting into a flow state; a container is created for the work to come through. Naturally, as soon as I began this daily 4pm date, my inner critic showed up, large and looming. Internal Family Systems (IFS) recognizes that we all have parts that make up our whole person. Different internal parts may step forward at different times and it can be a way for our ego to feel safe and remain in control. It's a 'If you don't try, you can't fail' kinda thing. The internal part may simply want to be heard, as was the case for me the other day. I did a three-minute stream-of-consciousness brain dump, writing down all the limiting bullshit coming from my inner critic. When the timer ended, I took the metaphoric mic away (closed my journal), returned to my laptop, and got down to writing. It can be easy to let our mind run the show. As the bumper sticker goes, you do not need to believe everything you think.
Although the answers we are seeking may already be within, sometimes the path to finding them takes a circuitous and serpentine route. The path to what our heart says is rarely ever linear. If you are finding yourself in a dark night of the soul, questioning your purpose, as I was, pay attention to your dreams and write them down. They can be an excellent source of guidance. Lay still in the quiet morning hours as you awaken. Expect the unexpected. Trust the thoughts that tell you you are good enough, you are worthy. Listen to small voice of your beautiful heart and remain open to the path that shows up. 💜